Feign
by Orokid
Summary: He couldn't keep lying, but... He couldn't stop anymore. He had spent so long pretending that everything was alright, that he wasn't hurt, that he could... smile... Warnings: Slight SoKai hinting. 1st person POV.


SH: _I… really don't know what to say about this, to tell the truth. For so long, I've been having mixed feelings in my own life- stuff that I'm actually visiting a counselor over. One of the things that we ended up talking about, something I supposedly need the most work on, is how I never show my true emotions and I bury anything and everything underneath the surface. I'm kind, quiet, and I always smile- but I guess that's bad for you. Who knew, eh? Anyway… I hope you like it. I know that the characters may seem slightly out of character, and I'm sorry. Kinda. Maybe. Ish. Haha._

Disclaimer:_ I own nothing. Not Kingdom Hearts. Not the characters. The only thing I own is my own heart, mind and emotions- things I am dealing with every single day._

_**Feign**_

No one really thinks that it's hard to smile when you're telling a joke, or even when you're the main reason for it. Others merely assume that you're being true, that the grin that you wear is nothing more than the true feelings that you bare within your heart. No one thinks twice about the odd look in your eyes, probably thinking that it's nothing more than a quirk of yours that they have yet to understand. They laugh, they wonder, they dream… they live on without really knowing anything.

I guess I really can't blame them for looking at me and thinking that nothing's wrong since I rarely let things bubble up from inside. In all realities, no matter if I'm someone they think they know, I'm holding back a side of me that no one understands- and I can't let them because that would open up a wound I haven't yet healed from. What wound, you ask? A wound that would make others scream in anguish, cry in agony, and wonder if the pain would ever truly end. While it wasn't something of the flesh, it was something that hurt much more, much deeper than others could ever realize.

My heart had been the one hurt in the exchange of blows over the years, and yet no one knew. No one cared enough to look underneath the surface and see just how small I really was, hidden too far underneath the layers of feigned happiness and a smile that could make someone's day. No one has dared to take a shovel to dig me out from the glee that I mask myself under, not wanting anyone to see how hurt I really am, not wanting anyone to know that my grin was a sham.

If only they all knew how much it hurt to smile. _"This boat runs on happy faces." _Wasn't that what they had told me, all those years ago when I had lost everything? I wasn't allowed to grieve. I wasn't allowed to wallow in my own self hatred or pity, to crave for the world to stop closing in. My supposed friends gave me an ultimatum I couldn't deny because I wanted to save the ones that had been taken away from me. That moment, I had to learn to suppress my own desire to curl into a ball and wish to die, to smile for the world- even when I felt like I was dying inside.

Even now, I can't allow myself to show my weakness to my friends, to the people who have always been closest to me and had known me better than any one else. Instead of telling the truth, I add yet another lie, forcing myself to show an emotion I'm not too sure I feel anymore- and no one sees.

No one ever sees.

I stare up at the stars, gazing at the words that had at one time needed my help in one way or another, who had seen me pretend my smile and had merely gazed at the surface rather than underneath. They had needed a hero who didn't doubt himself, who didn't blame his inaction or inability over the things he might not be able to do. Had I given them what they had wanted? What they had needed? Did I give them the smile that could brighten their day, even while it darkened mine? I don't know, and perhaps its an answer I'll never receive.

But there will be a day when I am called upon once more to give the one thing I don't have anymore. Once again, I'll be summoned to save worlds in which I have no attachment to, to laugh even in the face of danger, and to smile at those who need it the most.

I hate smiling.

"Sora?" Her voice calls out to me in a way that I have rarely ever heard, and I realize just how long it's really been since I've even listened to her voice. I had lost her words, her being, the moment I had chosen to continue, to find my other friend who I may have not been able to save from the darkness- and yet, there she was, offering me the same thing that I had given others who didn't even know my face or name. "What are you doing out here so late?"

"Couldn't sleep." I give her a laugh, unsure what to do or say as I stand there, letting my lips up-turn as they usually did whenever around others.

The young woman makes her way to stand beside me, watching me with those eyes that could cause a man to drown in their concern and emotion- and, for a moment, I fear that she can see anything and everything that I try to hide. She doesn't smile, doesn't give me a lecture about how I should be inside my own home, talking with my family for the first time in the many years that I had been gone. The color of her deep oceans meets the skies of my own eyes, searching, waiting, wanting to know something that I obviously won't say- until she turns, our connection lost, staring into the dark abyss of the horizon. "Things… must be stressful."

I turn to look at her, watching with wonder and amazement as she merely gazes on without a word more, her gaze firm on the things that are far from sight. "Stressful?"

A moment passes before she speaks once again, and I wait with baited breath as she opens her mouth. "It's must be stressful smiling." She turns her head and looks at me with a gaze so soft and caring that it's hard to deny what she's said- something that I could usually do with a grin and a laugh. Her hand moves its way to my chest, resting upon the area near my heart, her eyes determined to reach into my soul and pull out everything that I had concealed ever since that day long ago. I can't speak, I can barely even breathe, as things move through my mind at a pace I'm not used to.

And as soon as it occurs, I feel her hand leave my chest, a small, knowing smile on her lips as she pulls away from me. "You don't have to be so strong, Sora." The young woman gave a soft, caring smile that I'd never really seen her wear, her hands on her sides as she takes a step back from where she had been standing moments prior. Slowly, she drew her hands to rest behind her, entwining her own fingers together as she allows her lips form a larger, trusting, knowing grin. "You'll always have me to lean on."

And, though I cannot help it, my first true smile creeps upon my face. "Thanks, Kairi."

"No prob." She laughs softly, turning to return to where she had once come from mere moments before. With her back turn to me, she kept herself in place, her composure unsure whether to move or not. "Do you… want to… go to the island, Sora?" I watch her with soft, unknowing eyes, not quite understanding her reasoning to return to the place where they had spent much of their childhood together. "There's something in the cave that… that I want to show you."

_**XXXXXXXXXXX**_

SH: _Any thoughts on your mind about the fic? Please leave a review and tell me what you think about it. I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you._


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